As a child, I spent a fair bit of time in the hospital – from routine checkups to major surgeries, I was familiar but never comfortable with these experiences. As I grew into adulthood, certain experiences began to stick with me, often (but not always) in a negative way. Learning to self-cath and do my own bowel care routine were the most difficult experiences to process, but even things like routine ultrasounds and blood draws made me feel like my body was not mine to control, and consent was simply not part of the discussion. As I became aware of my sexuality in college, I abjectly failed to find comfort in any aspect of it – I felt broken, different and like I was simply pretending, hiding, trying to fit into a world I had no place in. After a decade of this, I began to dabble in the world of kink – I attended club nights and got to know a few people who attended fetish balls and dungeon parties. I felt welcomed, and my disability was simply one of many differences amongst all sorts of people – big, small, old, young, and every colour of every rainbow you can imagine. As I learned about all the different facets of kink, one in particular stood out to me: medical kink – doctor/nurse-patient roleplay, in many different flavours brought up past experiences I’d long since buried.
I had relationships along the way, but once I opened Pandora’s box in regards to my particular kink there was no closing it. Some partners seemed curious about the idea of roleplay, but my real life experiences kept me from fully engaging with someone who is simply ‘GGG’ (good, giving and game – willing to enthusiastically participate in their partner’s kink for their partner’s enjoyment). I spoke to a sexual health nurse and a sex therapist (who I still see to this day) to get my head around what to do about this. My therapist and I eventually agreed that seeing a professional dominatrix who specializes in this sort of thing would be good – a way to try to scratch the itch I’d been thinking about all this time. I dove in head first, met three incredible dommes who engaged with me wholeheartedly to understand what I wanted to experience, and eventually found peace with the trauma of my past. The most important part of the experience for me was finding one person in particular who was curious to learn about all the things I knew – both from a professional and personal standpoint.